


A Flower Frozen In Time

by Atumun15



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Letters, M/M, More tags added later maybe?, and Chan is left alone, angst???, but eh, kind of loses his mind there for a bit, kind of???, minho runs away, theres some fluff uwu, theres some gang stuff too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-04 07:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17300750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atumun15/pseuds/Atumun15
Summary: Six years ago, Minho became a flower frozen in time, a figure that was still in the world but no longer active in life itself.Six years ago, Minho left with nothing but letters in his wake.Six years ago, time stopped for Chan, and now it was speeding up tenfold.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to my best friend, Barbs, as it was her best friend a few days ago but I didn't manage to get it out until today (I'm sorry for that)
> 
> This will be a three-part series (Hopefully? It could be two, we'll see) and hopefully, it won't turn out shittier than it already is.

It… It was never supposed to be like this.

 

His life was never supposed to be like this.

 

Chan was never supposed to have to endure losing a loved one and searching the very ends of the Earth to find them.

 

Lee Minho was never supposed to disappear from his life with nothing but letters left behind within one evening and Chan was never supposed to lose his mind trying to follow Minho and bring him back home.

  


\--------

  


**_March 29, 2016_ **

 

“You can’t be serious!” Chan gasped out in disbelieving laughter, staring at his long-term best friend over the table of the diner they visited so frequently that the employees working there knew them _personally_. “Minho, Seoul National University, the best University in Korea offered you a full ride, _and you turned it down?_ What the fuck is wrong with you?” Chan loved his best friend, he really did, but the idea of Minho actually turning down such an offer, despite doing such a thing being so like him in the first place, irritated Chan to no end. The elder struggled to get into community college that barely offered him a single scholarship, and Minho was turning down a full ride to a top-notch university?

 

“I’m going to have to agree with Chan on this one, Min. Why the fuck would you do that?” Woojin piped up from beside the second eldest, arm draped over the back of the booth they were sitting at with Minho unknowingly glaring into it. “That could set you for life! You’d no doubt be at the top of your class!” Woojin moved to place both his hands on the table, gently but a bit aggressively slamming them into the wood. Minho cocked his head to the side, eyes glimmering with unpredictable mischief and if Chan hadn’t been so used to that look, he probably would have been scared… Though that was probably an even better reason to let the terror sink in.

 

“It’s not what I want,” Minho murmured simply, leaning back into the booth seat and practically melting into the red leather. Woojin and Chan gaped at him for a moment, and then at each other, Chan faltering slightly when he heard Minho make a displeased noise from across them. The eldest’s head whirled around first, an even deeper confusion setting in but Chan refused to look Minho in the eye once he realized, “Don’t think too hard hyung, that vein on your forehead might bust,” Minho tapped his finger against his own forehead with a smirk and Woojin snorted out some laughter, oblivious to the bitter tone Minho held while saying it.

 

“What do you mean that’s not what you want?” Chan broke off the tension from before and created a new line of it, eyes serious and tone low. They were only looking at each other now, eyes locked and unmoving, and yeah, Chan’s heart faltered for a moment but that wasn’t exactly a new feeling to him anymore.

 

“It’s a competitive university,” Minho shrugged casually but leaned forward the slightest bit to strengthen the intensity of his gaze, “ _And you know I’m not one to compete_ ,” Chan gulped, eyes flickering away shyly as his fingers traced small shapes into the sleek wood underneath them to avoid eye contact.

 

“You won’t have to,” Chan hushed, eyes flickering up in slight determination, “You know you’re enough. You could have anything you ever wanted, Min,” Chan rubbed his hands up and down his face to snap himself out of the daze he gets stuck in everytime Minho so much as speaks.

 

“And if that’s the case, then I can get that offer back,” Minho argued, “If I want it,” A thick silence fell over them, not sure where to take this any farther, and now Chan could no longer deny the anger bubbling in his chest. He was so tired, so exhausted of working, but Minho could simply snap his fingers and get what he wanted.

 

“Let me out, Wooj,” Chan uttered, shoving against his shoulders a bit, and Woojin didn’t hesitate one moment after he saw the anger bubbling behind Chan’s eyes. “I’ll see you two later,” Chan grumbled, grabbing for his wallet and keys before darting out of the diner with practical steam coming out of his ears. The frustration in his heart only worsened when he heard the bell of the door chime behind him and Minho calling out his name.

 

“Hyung! Come on, Chan Hyung,” Minho whined from behind him, sounding rather exasperated if Chan were honest but that was not any sort of excuse to Chan. Minho practically had the world in his hands and to Chan, Minho took it all for granted. Suddenly, a smaller hand curled around Chan’s wrist and stopped him in his tracks, whirling the poor elder around so he could stare Chan down, “Why are you so upset?” Minho murmured with a pout and glossy eyes of concern, and Chan had to curl his fingers and dig his nails into his palm to keep himself from punching Minho or giving into him. Chan wasn’t sure which one it would end up being.

 

“Minho, do you realize what you have?” Minho’s head reeled back in surprise at the elder’s bitter, empty question and furrowed his eyebrows. Sure, Minho was well aware of what he had, but there wasn’t ever a time he actually stood back and appreciated it all. Chan sighed when Minho did nothing but open and close his mouth like a fish, slipping his wrist out of Minho’s grip. “Minho, when I say you could probably get anything you wanted, I fucking mean it. I”m not saying you don’t work for what you have but sometimes… sometimes its just handed to you!” Chan waved his arms around in the air violently, “I could barely manage to get into the shittiest community college here and you turned down a god damn full ride to Seoul National University!” He was in near hysterics at this point, no longer watching Minho but except the blurry outline of a poster behind his head.

 

“Chan…” Minho trailed off, watching Chan run a hand through his hair and sniffle with sad eyes. It seemed that snapped Chan out of whatever daze he was in because he coughed and rubbed at his forehead.

 

“Fuck… I’m sorry,” Chan’s voiced cracked, “That’s not… that’s not what I meant. I’m just…” Chan looked like he was going to lose his mind at any moment just trying to find the right words but Minho understood for the most part and slipped his hands up so his fingers were rubbing against his shoulders and thumbs against his collar bones. “Minho, you deserve the world, and I just want you to have it,” It didn’t make sense to anyone else, but Minho was both intelligent and clear-headed. Chan wanted Minho to take the opportunities he had and milk them so success would be in Minho’s favor. Chan just wanted Minho to live a happy life because he wasn’t sure he could have one himself.

 

“Come on,” Minho hushed once Chan gathered himself, taking him by the shoulder and guiding them both down the sidewalk and past the small crowd of people watching them in concern. Chan wasn’t sure where they were going, not even when they hopped on a bus because Minho refused to tell him. It was only an hour later when they reached a stop near the beach in Incheon that Chan understood. It had been oh so long since they had been there together. Even after they got off the bus, Minho never let go of his hand the silence hung over them, eyes flickering towards each other shyly occasionally and their teenager ways truly shined through when the other caught them and they both glanced away with flushed cheeks.

 

When they reached a part of the shoreline with nobody hovering around them, Minho tugged Chan down to the ground and they both sat there, knees propped up and toes buried in the sand. They watched the set with rapt fascination, and Chan couldn’t help but shift his gaze to the younger. If Chan didn’t know any better, Chan would have assumed that they were in an anime based on the sheer sight of Minho sitting there, head pivoted up, eyes fluttered shut, hair blowing back gracefully and the deep, relaxed breathing he was partaking in. Minho was merely existing on that beach, so deep in his mind or high above the whole world and looking down upon them from the stars, but to Chan, it was beauty in the making.

 

“Why did you bring me out here?” But his curiosity got the best of him.

 

Minho’s eyes fluttered open at the sound of Chan’s voice, not looking at him but instead studying the whole horizon, “Look out there and tell me if you see anything,” Minho ordered with a soft tone and Chan studied the same horizon in confusion.

 

“Am I supposed to be seeing anything?” Chan questioned, and Minho chuckled lowly.

 

“No, no you’re not,” Chan didn’t bother asking what the point of it is, knowing fully that Minho would explain himself, “That’s the thing. You can’t see anything,” Minho started, passion practically oozing through his words, “There’s a whole world out there for us to see, Hyung. You can’t see it all from here. You can’t see it all from Seoul National University,”

 

“They do study abroad…” Chan trailed off, and Minho snorted, running a hand through his hair before resting his elbow on his knee so he could prop his head up in his palm.

 

“It’s not what I want, hyung,” Minho whispered, and Chan knew there was no changing his mind. Minho was set on whatever plans he had in his head and there was nothing Chan could do to change it. So, he might as well go along with it, turning around abruptly so he was facing the younger and his toes were now pressed against the side of Minho’s thigh.

 

“Then tell me what you do want,” Chan compromised, reaching out to grab Minho’s hand and hold it in his own, rubbing his thumbs along Minho’s knuckles. Minho hummed in amusement, taking his free hand and moving it upward to curl them in Chan’s fluffy, silver hair and stroking the curls fondly.

 

“What I want doesn’t matter anymore. Let’s talk about you,” Minho dismissed, and how was Chan supposed to say no when Minho was inching their foreheads together and letting his breath fan over his now closed eyes.

 

“I don’t want to talk about me,”

 

“Then let's not talk at all,” Minho cheekily replied and before Chan knew it, Minho kissed him and it felt like his body was melting into a lovesick puddle. For someone whose only seventeen, it seemed that Minho had a lifetime’s worth of experience when it came to kissing and if Chan hadn’t had his own fair share of experience, he’d struggle to keep up. When they pulled away, they were out of breath, hands grazing the other’s skin as their noses nuzzled together “I’ll tell you what I want,” Minho breathed out, expression falling into his signature Cheshire cat one that Chan took as a sign that he’d end up a flustered mess after Minho got done talking.

 

“Do tell,” Chan breathed back, slightly more vulnerable in tone but it was Minho pawing at his chest in desperation.

 

“I want you by my side until the day I die,” Minho hushed deeply, “I don’t care what as. It can be a best friend, a brother, an enemy, and most _preferred_ , lover,” Minho smirked, kissing Chan’s nose when the elder’s cheeks flushed, “I know it’s been hard lately, but you’re worth a lot more than you think Chan, and one day you’ll get everything you dream of,” Minho promised, eyes sparkling with determination, but Chan didn’t care anymore.

 

“I’ll be okay as long as you’re there,” Chan wished he didn’t rely so heavily on Minho, maybe the next few years wouldn’t have been as painful as they were.

 

The fond laugh Minho let out prompted Chan’s heart to race, “Let’s get going. I know how your mom is,” Minho grunted, pecking Chan’s lips one more time before pushing himself up onto his feet and helping the elder up when he asked for it, “You’ve got muscles, use them!” Minho shoved his chest lightly once Chan was up, but the elder just growled lowly and brought the younger down into a headlock and held him down so he could bury his knuckles furiously into the top of his head.

 

“I’m using them now, aren’t I?” Chan questioned with laughter when Minho began to whimper and laugh for him to stop. “You told me to use them!” Chan defended himself when Minho managed to squirm out of his grasp and yell at him.

 

“I meant to be useful!” Minho complained, shoving against Chan’s chest again.

 

“Trust me, knocking you off your high horse is very useful,” Chan patted his shoulder, guiding them up the beach and back to the bus stop where the bus would arrive not long after, the sun beginning to escape past the horizon as they sat down on the bench of the bus and relaxed into the other’s presence. Minho rested his temple on Chan’s shoulder, blushing and smiling an almost maniacal grin when Chan feathered a kiss to the top of his head and resting his own head on top of the younger’s. “You’re a blessing, Lee Minho,” Chan hushed, assuming Minho had fallen asleep, but with Minho’s hand resting on Chan’s thigh, the elder gaze the muscle a firm squeeze and Chan froze.

 

“And you’re an angel, Bang Chan,” Minho hummed, a smirk tugging at his lips and moving his body back so Minho’s left hand could come up to rest against Chan’s chest. Chan turned his head to meet his gaze with shy disbelief.

 

“That’s Bang Chan Hyung to you, brat,” Chan stuttered out, defensive walls going up when Chan looked around and saw a few people sitting on the bus with them. However, Minho knocked them all down when he pressed their foreheads together to grab his attention.

 

“Sorry, hyung,” Chan just kissed his forehead.

 

Now, with Minho actually asleep leaning against the uncomfortable bus bench seat, Chan allowed himself to escape back into his own head for a little while. This thing between them was far from foreign to them as it had been around for more than just a few weeks, but Chan was unsure when their placement on the friends and lovers board became blurry and they crossed the line separating the two. Chan remembers the first time they kissed; a morning that Minho had slept over and surprisingly enough, it had been Chan to grow the balls to initiate it first. To put it simply, Minho came out of the bathroom in Chan’s hoodie, loose boxers, socks with tiny pizzas on them and messy hair and Chan couldn’t help himself, pinning him to the dresser and shoving their faces together sloppily.

 

However, It was Minho who got him back on track though when there were knocks at Chan’s door, his mother telling them that breakfast was ready, and Chan about lost his mind after that because Minho had come back to his senses and took Chan by the collar to control him… literally.

 

But they never talked about it afterward. Their physical aspects changed as they were far more touchy and dodged the whole friends question, but they were never outright with each other on what they were. They were simply Chan and Minho, and that was okay with them. Today had been the first time they mentioned the whole aspect of lovers and something more, and Chan wasn’t sure what to think.

 

When push comes to shove, Chan wants Minho, and if he were to think on it a little more, he’d realize that he wanted to grow old with Minho, having children and cats, maybe an apartment or house that fits them as perfectly as they fit each other. But was Chan in love? The idea scared him, but he knew at that moment that it was nothing but a strong infatuation he had long before they had done anything about it.

 

Chan loved Minho, he did, but as a partner that didn’t _have_ to be necessarily romantic.

 

Arriving back at the bus stop, Chan shook Minho awake with trembling hands, but he ultimately ended up relaxing when Minho woke up and stretched like some sort of cat, smiling at him sleepily, “Hurry up, slowpoke,” Chan grumbled, shoving him up and along the bus so they could actually get off at their stop. His tired attitude drifted onto Minho, the younger following his grumbles as well but the two attached themselves to each other anyhow and walked down the street with vigor because this time of night was never safe, especially for two teenagers. “It’s kind of late, do you want to sleep over tonight?” Chan questioned when he reached the tall apartment building him and his family stayed at. Minho just shook his head.

 

“Nah. Mom said she needed me home in the morning,”

 

“Are you sure? I can take you home in the morning,” Chan frowned, worry evident in his expression. Minho laughed warmly and pivoted his body so they were stood close together and he could take Chan’s hand into his own.

 

“What? Worried about me, hyung?”

 

Chan wasn’t sure where the confidence had come from but boldly surged forward and kissed Minho slowly, “Course, brat,” Chan teased, lips brushing across Minho’s lips again and he felt his heart flutter when Minho giggled lowly, reaching his hands up to curl around Chan’s face and dragging him close to kiss him a bit more deeply. “You sure you don’t want to?” Chan breathed out between kisses, pouting when Minho tugged himself away.

 

“Your family is home, Hyung,” Minho scolded, but Chan managed to provoke purrs from the younger when he buried his face into Minho’s neck and peppered kisses along his skin. “Seriously. I need to get going,” The air around them became relaxed, comfortable, and a little less suffocating by lustful urges.

 

“Okay. Be safe. Text me when you get home,” Chan compromised, pulling Minho into a firm hug that Minho returned just as tightly, an almost… desperate savoring feel to it that made Chan shudder. What was wrong? Anyhow, Chan pushed himself away and headed up towards the front of the apartment building.

 

“Chan?” The boy turned around again, hopeful that Minho would change his mind and decide to sleep over, “Thank you,” Minho breathed out, and Chan was left feeling a bit confused. This wasn’t a regular act of gratitude… this was something more and Chan wished he had realized it sooner. “For being there,”

 

“Shouldn’t I be saying that to you?” and then he watched Minho giggle to himself quietly before turning away and walking down the street until he disappeared into the darkness. Chan wished he had strained his ears that night. Maybe he would have heard the younger sobbing, and maybe…

 

And only maybe.

 

Chan could have changed something.

 

“I’m home,” Chan called out in exhaustion, taking his keys out of the door before shutting it, locking it, and dead bolting it. There was water running in the kitchen, and he could hear his dad speaking to his sister about something he obviously didn’t want to, but his brother was the first person he saw. The boy came out in confusion, peering out from the kitchen with a pout and furrowed eyebrows. “Why are you looking at me like that?” Chan griped, setting his keys and wallet in the bowl and scowling at his brother. The kid just huffed and rolled his eyes, swiveling around and going back into the kitchen with Chan not very far behind him. “Hey, mom,” Chan greeted the woman washing dishes, handing them off to his waiting brother, leaning against the doorway.

 

“Hey, baby. Where you been? It’s late,” The woman questioned, voice calm and Chan tensed up for a moment. He loved his mother, he knew her quite well too, so he knew that her calmness meant questions.

 

“Minho took me to the beach in Incheon. It was a last minute decision and we didn’t expect to be out this late,” The woman stopped washing dishes, whirling around and pointing a soaking wet bowl covered in soap suds in his direction.

 

“Bang Chan, do you mean to tell me that Minho is out there walking home alone right now? _At night?_ ” She took her eldest son’s silence as her answer. “Why didn’t you tell him to sleep over? You know I don’t mind!” She scolded, but Chan immediately got defensive.

 

“I tried! He said his mom needed him home in the morning,” Chan defended, arms up in the air in surrender, continuing when she opened her mouth to scold him some more, “I even offered to drive him home early in the morning but he insisted that it was fine,” Silence fell over them, his mother turning back towards the sink to rinse the suds off of the bowl. Chan was about to turn and dig through the fridge for dinner but his mom spoke up, keeping his feet stuck to the ground.

 

“You can go, Lucas,” Chan’s little brother cheered and ran out, no doubt going into his room to play Overwatch (Chan entirely blamed Felix, Minho’s cousin currently living with the dancer at the moment) Chan took over Lucas’s old job, grabbing the rag and drying the dishes handed to him before putting them away. “Are you two fighting?” It was quiet, cautious, and Chan froze. Chan strongly believed in the idea that his mother knew more than she let on, and Chan had no idea if she knew they were more than just friends but it wouldn’t surprise him if she did.

 

“No, no! We’re good, we’re fine,” Chan reassured, flushing a bit at the memorable feeling of Minho’s lips against his own, even brushing his fingers across his lips to get rid of the tingling feeling and replacing it with another that quickly faded into the old tingling. “Trust me. Still as close as can be,”

 

“No need to be so defensive, Chris,” The woman frowned, but her eyes twinkled with a knowing glint and Chan tried his best to ignore both the look and the use of his English name.

 

“I know how you are. You never believe me unless I repeat it a bunch of times,” Chan argued weakly, but it was obvious she was going to win.

 

“And when you look me in the eye,” She added with an amused breath resembling that of a weak laugh. However, Chan just took it as a challenge and swiveled his head to look at her, right in the eye.

 

“We’re fine,”

 

His mother mumbled something under her breath, Chan not quite catching it but he’s afraid that if he had, they would have delved into something he was far from ready to delve into. Instead, Hanna screamed out, loud and outraged, “I’m not leaving! You can’t make me go!” and Chan darted out of the kitchen in fear, his mother not far behind calling out for him to wait. As soon as he entered the living room, it went quiet aside from Hanna’s jagged breaths, Chan flickering his eyes over to his sister who had her fists curled at her sides, hunched over and breathing heavily. “I’m not,” She paused, taking in another heavy breath, “going back,” She finished with a grunt, eyes set aflame but Chan saw the terror there.

 

“What is she talking about?” Chan questioned, but before his dad could open his mouth and answer, Hanna was answering for him.

 

“They want to send me back to Sydney to live with cousins I don’t even know!” She spat, curling in on herself defensively when Chan flickered his eyes over to her in shock. His mouth fell agape, approaching her but stopping right when he was in front of her and turning his back to her in defensive, as if he were a wall for his younger sister.

 

“What?” Chan questioned again, boring into his father’s eyes challengingly. The man looked tired, exhausted, and Chan would feel bad if this all seemed a bit extreme.

 

“Chris-”

 

“Tell me you’re not sending her back. Tell me she’s lying and we can all go back to our rooms and leave each other alone for the night,” Chan put an arm out toward his dad and keeping the other behind him for his younger sister to hold in hopes of calming her down. He relaxed slightly when she held it tightly as if he were a lifeline. Chan’s father studied him for a moment but didn’t say anything more. Chan’s heart fell into his stomach.

 

“Why does she have to go back?” Lucas questioned sheepishly from behind his mother, the woman attempting to shoo him away but the boy only attached himself to Chan’s hip. “I thought we liked it here? I don’t want to go back!” Lucas argued, provoking a sigh from their father.

 

“Lucas, it’ll just be her-”

 

“She’s going alone? Dad, she’s 15!” Chan exploded, skin turning red from anger.

 

“She’ll be with grandma!”

 

“You know she hates it there. You know what she went through there, and _you’re sending her back?_ ” The Bang siblings had their parents cornered at this point, “If this is about money, then I can pick up another job,”

 

“Chris-”

 

“I can start paying rent,”

 

“Chris-”

 

“Hanna can get a job!”

 

“Chris!” Silence fell over them once more, his mother’s booming voice echoing off the walls and stopping all of them in their tracks, “Hanna. Lucas. Go to your rooms, now,” She ordered, and Chan felt himself slump when his sister and brother detached themselves from him and walked out of the room, feeling dejected. Their mother tried to be affectionate toward her, swiping a hand over the back of her head but Hanna dodged her as if their mother was a knife. Chan felt guilt tug at his heart when he saw how hurt his mother was but he couldn’t help but remind himself that this was their fault in the first place. “Chan, we’re not going to make you pick up another job because of this-”

 

“She’s not going back to Sydney. Period,” Chan snarled out before she could get very far, “if this is about money then you two can go back and I can get an apartment and take care of the other two,” It was obvious that idea didn’t sit well with his mother.

 

“Chris, we’re a family!”

 

“And yet, you’re sending Hanna back to Sydney alone. Some family we are, huh?” Chan scoffed, and his parents shrunk back. Chan waited a few moments, trying his best to gather his thoughts. “We wait until the school year is over and I’m able to graduate. You two go back to Sydney and we’ll stay here until the lease is up and I can get a new apartment,” Chan finalized before leaving the room, dodging his mother’s same attempt at running a hand through his hair and knocking quietly on Hanna’s room door. “It’s Chris, can I come in?”

 

“Yeah,” Hanna croaked out, and Chan didn’t hesitate to push open the door and slip inside before shutting it behind him. The girl was buried under her covers, back to him and hair sprawled out on the pillow.

 

“Look at me, Nana,” Chan sighed, approaching her bed, and finally, after a few moments of silence, she turned to face him, eyes empty and there hadn’t been any sort of tear tracks on her cheeks, but it was rather obvious she was beyond vulnerable at this point. Chan slipped into bed beside her, holding his sister close to his chest and wrapping around her like a protective blanket, “Don’t worry, okay? You’re not going back. I won’t let them send you back,” Chan promised, rubbing up and down her back soothingly as she clutched at his collar a little more desperately.  

 

“How?” She questioned, disbelief obvious. “Chris, you might be a grade a asshole and as stubborn as a mule 25/8, but I don’t know if you’ll have a say this time,” Her words were true, but Chan still gave her a firm smack at the back of the head for it anyway. It was quiet for a moment, but Chan pulled away with a small, shit eating grin anyway to look her in the eye.

 

“Please, I still have a say in this. I already laid down the law earlier,” Chan chimed knowingly, laughing a bit when Hanna furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, “They’re going back. Not us. When school lets out, they’ll leave and we’ll start looking for a new apartment that can fit the three of us,” Chan explained, coughing when Hanna suddenly slammed her hands against his chest, sitting up.

 

“Chris! You can’t just give up your entire life to take care of us. You’re my brother, not my dad. That’s not your job,” Hanna exclaimed, but Chan just sat up and brought her head into his chest, holding her protectively.

 

“Hanna, I’d really only be taking care of Lucas, and it’s not like you’re not going to contribute as well. But if “giving up my life” means making sure you don’t get sent back there and…. Something much worse happens? Then so be it,” Hanna looked like she was about to burst into tears but had to shove them down when the door creaked open and Lucas peeked his head through cautiously. “What do you need, Luke?” Chan questioned softly, heart melting when the boy bust in through the door and jumping on the bed to tackle Hanna to the bed.

 

“I don’t want you to leave, Nana,” Lucas whispered, vulnerable and upset but a thick wall of defense over it that was beyond recognizable. It was the classic Bang Defense wall that shined through just a tiny bit but thick enough to where it only took someone who knew the wall to knock down correctly.

 

“I’m not leaving, Lucas. Chris is going to take care of it,” Hanna closed the younger boy close to her chest, peering over his shoulder to share a look with their eldest sibling and Chan nodded in confirmation. “There’s nothing to worry about,” She finalized, and they all sank into one another on Hanna’s small, tiny twin sized bed, Chan up against the wall with Hanna next to him and Lucas on top of her, head on her chest. They were siblings, they were the true family who knew every little thing about one another.

 

Chan wouldn’t let Hanna go through all that bullshit again. He wouldn’t let her start having those thoughts again. It wasn’t fair. He’d protect his baby sister until he couldn’t anymore. Until she could take care of herself.

 

He had to step up.

  


**_March 30, 2016_ **

 

The next morning, Chan was the first one to wake up, groggy with sleep for the first time in what felt like ages. Though, last night was pretty exhausting in itself so it wasn’t really a surprise that Chan had managed to catch a little more sleep than usual. Chan was careful as he climbed around the top of his siblings until his feet hit the ground and he was able to maneuver out of the room quietly and out through the house without waking his parents or grabbing attention from anybody else. Chan tried his best to stay quiet as he moved around the kitchen, but he obviously failed when he turned with a bowl of cereal to see his dad leaning against the doorway with exhaustion and worry in his eyes.

 

“Chris, it’s 6 in the morning,”

 

“A bit later than usual actually,” Chan chimed, far from amused in the presence of his father. The man sighed, rubbing his fingers along his forehead and staring his son down, not quite sure what to say, “Whatever it is you want to say, don’t. I know I’m only 18 but I can take care of them,” Chan muttered, munching on his cereal.

 

“Chris, you’re a teenager. How do you know you can take care of them?”

 

“I did all those years ago, didn’t I?” Chan questioned with a bitter smile, relieved to see his father’s eyes flicker down in guilt. Chan had only been 11 when he had to take care of his younger siblings, Lucas just a baby at that time, but Chan never minded. Not even for a second. He felt useful and that’s all he could ever ask for. However, Chan would not let his parents take away the one thing he had and that was his will to do just about anything for his family. “You and mom are always complaining about how you need a break and just let yourself relax without worrying about us. Go back to Sydney. Let me take care of them,”

 

“Okay,” and that was it. Chan walked past his dad and into his bedroom with the bowl of cereal tugged to his chest. The sun was just beginning to rise, and Chan was content, all until he checked his phone and saw no text from Minho.

 

 **_Channie Hyung_ ** **: Yo, did you get home safe?**

 

There was no response, Chan hoping and praying that the younger was just asleep.

 

 **_Channie Hyung:_ ** **Call me when you wake up, okay?**

 

Did he do it?

 

 **_Channie Hyung_ ** **: Love you.**

 

Chan tried not to think about it too much anymore. Falling into his work for University and his music, blocking out the entire world just for the sake of his sanity. He needed to escape for a little while.

 

But he wished he hadn’t.

  


**_April 2, 2016_ **

 

It wasn’t exactly rare for Chan not to hear from Minho for a few days as the boy tended to fall off the earth every now and then but after two days, Chan became more worried. Luckily for him, Chan wasn’t alone in this feeling as Felix, Minho’s cousin showed up at his front doorstep in worry. “Hey, hyung,” Felix swiped a hand through his rustled, ginger hair in hopes of taming it a bit but it did very little for him in the long run, “Has Minho been staying with you? He hasn’t been home and he’s not answering any of our calls,” Felix looked hopeful but with his arms tucked behind him, Chan became suspicious of what the younger was hiding from him.

 

“No… no, he hasn’t. I haven’t seen him since Wednesday night. But you know how he is,” Chan comforts, squeezing his shoulder as he guided him inside the apartment where Lucas was watching them from the kitchen in interest. “Lucas, go away,” Chan shooed him out when he finally noticed the younger but the kid just pouted cutely.

 

“But Felix is here! I never get to hang out with him,” Lucas whined, flashing the younger teenager his puppy dog eyes in hopes of persuading him a bit but Felix learned to resist them a while ago.

 

“We can hang out in a bit. I really need to talk to your brother,” Felix compromised, miraculously working as Lucas nodded and ran off towards his room. Chan and Felix sat down at the table with glasses of water and a bag of chips between them, “I know how he is but this time it… It feels different,” Chan furrowed his eyebrows in both confusion and concern, not entirely sure where this was all heading but he wished he had some sort of a heads up beforehand once he connected all the dots, “I went into his room this morning to grab his PlayStation and he… he left this on his bed,” and then a thick leather journal with Minho’s name written on the front and a bunch of different colored papers slipping out. It was cluttered, but seemingly neat all the same: a perfect representation of Minho.

 

Chan slid it over to him, opening it up and finding a bunch of loose pictures, newspaper clippings, and even some stickers. However, Chan felt all the breath in his lungs escape when he saw a folded piece of pink paper attached, his name written across it in cursive. “Did you read any of it?”

 

“No… I saw that,” Felix pointed towards the folded paper in Chan’s hand, “and wanted to wait until you were here to read it,”

 

The thing about Lee Minho was that he never left his journal just out and about, especially where someone could easily take it and read it. Chan remembered one time he had taken Minho’s journal to be a tease but almost got his arm broken because of it. Minho didn’t mess around with his journal, so if it was just out… something was wrong and he wanted someone to find it. “And it was just sitting on his bed?” Felix nodded his head, watching Chan continue to flip through. The journal contained journal entries with cute little doodles as well but there were also letters stuffed throughout the entire thing, all addressed to Chan, and the man felt like he was going to lose it from all his confusion.

 

But that was only the start.

 

“...I think he’s gone Chan. I think he finally left,” Felix nervously mumbled, tugging at the strings of his hoodie and Chan felt like his brain was about to combust. So that night… shit.

 

“God, why didn’t I see it earlier?” Chan scolded himself, sparing his forehead a harsh slap before rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes, “Fuck, Minho!” Felix jumped back a bit at the hiss, eyeing Chan wearily when he hopped out of his seat in an almost fit of rage. Chan clenched his fists at his side, eyes sealing shut and breathing ragged. He tried his best to control himself, able to give in and let his breathing stabilize and fists unclench before sitting down again, “Don’t go to the police about this yet, okay? We don’t need him terrified for his life right now,” Chan ordered, eyes stone cold as he stared Felix down. The boy simply gulped and nodded his head.

 

“I’ll tell aunty,” Felix hushed, standing up shakily.

 

“He’s okay, Felix. We’ll find him,”

 

“I’m not sure he wants to be found, Chris,” Felix cracks, darting through the kitchen and out the door before Chan can get anything out, the elder staring after his retreating figure in disbelief. However, Chan couldn’t spare him any more time as he had more important things to work on, like bringing the boy’s cousin back home to them. Chan grabbed the journal and darted into his bedroom, ignoring his brother calling out to him in confusion and slamming the door shut. Chan flopped down on his bed, frown on his lips and forehead beginning to ache from his eyebrows staying furrowed for so long.

 

With shaking fingers, Chan turned to the first page where the first journal entry was along with the first letter as well. On the letter, under his name, there was a tiny “read first” on it and Chan sucked in a harsh breath. Chan wasn’t sure he was ready to read whatever it was inside but Chan realized that this was much bigger than his own personal needs and carefully detached the heart sticker keeping it closed and unfolded the pink paper. Chan felt his bottom lip bury itself between his teeth as he began to read the neat handwriting on the page.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Channie Hyung,

 

I guess the only way you’d be reading this is if I managed to follow through with my current plans or… you’re going through my things and I need you to fuck off real quick, hyung. Go away.

 

Inside, there are letters addressed to you and only you, the first one written when I was 15, and the last one the night I’ll be leaving you.

 

This may be a bit hard for you, but I can assure you that these aren’t suicide notes… even if maybe this all doesn’t end like I need it to, but Channie…

 

I’m gone.

 

There is a whole world out there for me to see and I need to go out and see it so I don’t feel as caged in here anymore. You will always be someone I’ll cherish until the end of my days and I pray to the heavens above you never forget about me, but if it happens… It was my fault. It’s okay if you’re angry at me, it’s okay if you’re too angry to keep reading these but if you do…

 

Don’t show these to anyone, do you understand? This is between you and me and that’s it.

 

I love you too, Channie.

 

-Minho

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**_April 3, 2016_ **

 

_“Hyung, did you find anything?”_

 

“Nothing. None of it makes sense to me. Why doesn’t he want to be found?”

 

_“He always said “when I’m gone,” a lot…”_

 

“I’m not giving up. We’ll find him, Felix. He can’t have gone too far,”

 

_“It’s been three days, hyung. He could be anywhere,”_

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chan,

 

Honestly? I don’t know why I’m writing to you of all people as I’m pretty sure you actually hate me, but I don’t care anymore. I’m completely infatuated with every little part of you and if I want you to read these when the time comes then you’re just going to have to put up with that.

 

We’ve been friends since we were young. Since you came here from Australia when you were 12 and I was 11 to be exact. You really fucked up my plans you know? Before I had no trouble thinking about all of this but you and your dimpled cheeks came along and completely fucked me up.

 

Fuck.

 

I hate you Bang Chan, probably just about as much as you hate me.

 

-Minho

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**_May 24, 2016_ **

 

_“Chris! Get up! We have to go apartment shopping,”_

 

“Nana, please, I didn’t sleep last night,”

 

_“Were you out looking for Minho again?”_

 

“...”

 

_“Chris, he’s not going to be hiding in this town. If you want to find him, you’ll have to follow after him,”_

 

“I don’t even know where to start,”

 

_“Surely he left something behind in those letters…”_

 

“Hanna, don’t you dare touch those,”

 

_“Chris I’m just trying to help-”_

 

“Out,”

 

_“Chris-”_

 

“I said out!”

 

_“...be ready in ten minutes or I’ll leave without you,”_

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chan hyung,

 

You turned 16 today, and I swear to the sweet heavens above that you’ve never smiled that brightly. Your eyes were shining, Hyung. It was the cutest thing I’ve seen from your bitter self in a while.

 

Jesus Christ, when will you stop being so fucking bitter all the time? It’s irritating. Sometimes I just want to shut you up when you start ranting about the smallest of petty ass things but the only way I can think of doing that is either too violent or a little too over the line considering we don’t talk about our sexualities.

 

You probably don’t even know I’m gay…

 

No. No, I will not come out to my best friend through a letter you’ll read after it’s too late.

 

I’ll tell you, tomorrow. I have to tell you.

 

But do I tell you that I like you too? I think I’m too big of a coward for that.

 

Who am I kidding, it’s not like it’ll matter anyway.

 

-Minho

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**_June 10, 2018_ **

 

_“Chan I’m becoming worried. It’s been over a year…”_

 

“I don’t care, Woojin. I’m going to bring him home,”

 

_“No, you’re not, Chan, and you know that,”_

 

“I’m going to bring him home! He needs to come home!”

 

_“Chan, he left! He left us! He left you,”_

 

“...”

 

_“I know you love him, but Lucas and Hanna are starting to become weary of you… They say you’ve been drinking a lot and getting little to no sleep,”_

 

“I’m sorry,”

 

_“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to,”_

 

“...He needs to come home, Woojin”

 

_“This isn’t home for him anymore,”_

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Channie Hyung,

 

Stars are beautiful.

 

I mean, I always knew they were, to begin with, but after going out and seeing them with you last night I guess I never quite realized what they actually looked like. This school trip to New Zealand has done a lot for me in terms of being able to actually see the world I so desperately want to explore, but it’s so hard to not go to you in the middle of the night and break down into a ball of mush about how much I just want to see the world.

 

So, I had to resort to waiting for you to fall asleep or at least leave the room so I could sit down and write all of this.

 

The world needs a lot of work, I know, but it’s so beautiful all the same. The parts that haven’t been tainted by corruption and simply run by mother nature herself have to be preserved, captured before the taint of the world begins to infect it as well.

 

Riding in the car with you and Woojin today was everything to me, and I know that may sound a bit cheesy, especially for me, but it was just so relaxing. Seoul is so fucking cagey for me, and it’s hard for me to want to stay there for the rest of my life, even if I do have you and the boys there with me.

 

Today gave me a taste of what freedom actually felt like, and I can’t help but ask for so much more additionally. I’m greedy, I know. I take and take and take but very rarely give back.

 

I need out, hyung.

 

Good thing I’m talking to a few people who can help me out when we get back, right?

  


-Minho

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**_December 5, 2018_ **

 

“Do you think he went back to Gimpo?”

 

_“Hyung…”_

 

“Just a thought,”

 

_“I thought we talked about this? Minho’s mom and the rest of us think it might be best if we dropped it and let Minho come back on his own,”_

 

“...”

 

_“He loved you too,”_

 

“I’m not too sure about that,”

 

_“Than you’ve truly gone insane,”_

 

“Maybe I have,”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Channie Hyung,

 

Holy shit.

 

Holy fuck, you have some nerve, don’t you?

 

Kissing me the morning after I finalize some of my living arrangements? Really? Do you have some kind of fucking sense for this shit? Do you know and you’re just trying to get me to stay?

 

You’re really getting on my last nerve because you just don’t know when to stop making my heart race at ten million miles per hour. It doesn’t help that you’re a fantastic kisser either like shit. I think you left some hickies too which I don’t appreciate. How am I supposed to explain that to my mother?

 

…How am I supposed to explain any of this to her? How can I look her in the eye and tell her I love her when I’m leaving her in a few months?

 

She’s going to hate me.

 

You’re going to hate me.

 

_Please don’t hate me._

  


-Minho

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**_April 1, 2019_ **

 

“Mom, what are you doing here?”

 

_“I wanted to talk to you,”_

 

“So you flew in all the way from Sydney,”

 

_“Hanna called me. She said she was worried since today would be two years since Minho left,”_

 

“It’s fine, mom. Really,”

 

_“I have a hard time believing that, Chris,”_

 

“...I’m not sure what you want me to say, ma,”

 

_“You two were a lot more close than you said, didn’t you,”_

 

“Mom…”

 

_“It’s okay, baby. Cry. It’s okay. It’s just me,”_

 

“I love him,”

 

_“I know, I know,”_

 

“....”

 

_“Tell me what you need, baby,”_

 

“I need Minho,”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Channie Hyung,

 

Do you remember the first time we went out on a date?

 

Well… I don’t know if you’d call it a date but it was definitely the first time we hung out after we kissed for the first time that one morning. Which by the way I think about a little too much If I’m honest but you didn’t hear it from me.

 

You were really beautiful that morning, you know?

 

I’m getting off track here, but when we went out on that date, I swear I somehow fell even harder for you and that… that was a problem. I had been planning all of this since before I was 13, but the moment you came along, leaving became so much harder than it had been originally. (Though I had to admit that before we became more than just friends, leaving really wasn’t a huge issue to me, and I know that might make you angry.

 

Bang Chan, you’re a man of many, many wonders, and I have no doubt that you’re trying your hardest to find me but.

 

Chan, I don’t want to be found.

 

Live your life, go out there and make a name for yourself like you’ve always wanted to… but don’t waste it on me.

 

I’ll come home when I’m ready, I promise.

 

I love you, I love you so much

-Minho

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**_April 1, 2020_ **

 

“I can’t do this anymore, Woojin”

 

_“What?”_

 

“I can’t wait for him anymore,”

 

_“I was wondering when you’d finally admit it to yourself. What brought it around?”_

 

“JYP contacted me… They want me to be a producer there. I go in Monday and I’ll be shown the ropes,”

 

_“That’s great, Chan! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”_

 

“I wasn’t ready to let go yet. But now… Now I am.”

  
  


**_June 14, 2022_ **

 

“Next,” A bright, colorful voice chimed off the walls, Chan’s eyes rolling into the back of his head at the squeaky, nasally voice of his teenage coworker that didn’t quite know how to keep it down this early in the morning. Who the fuck came to an ice cream shop this early in the morning anyway? It’s not even noon! “What would you like, Sir?” She questioned, the falsity of her enthusiasm apparent.

 

“Um, I need to see Chan hyung,” The familiar, higher pitched voice of one of Chan’s close friends reached Chan’s ears like a soft breeze because that’s what Hyunjin was like on these hellish days where Chan was stuck in the ice cream shop trying to make enough money to support Hanna and Lucas, and not at the studio where he could be helping trainees reach their debut with new songs and new lyrics, Hyunjin one of them. “It’s important,” Chan practically ran this place now, dropping the ice cream maker and ripping off his gloves to go peek out through the back.

 

“Chan! There’s someone here to see-” She turned around abruptly, stopping when she caught him standing right behind her and staring down at her coldly. “You…” The teenager trailed off with flushed cheeks, playing with her hair shyly and backing away. The girl got on his last nerve at times, but he knew her as more than just a coworker.

 

“What did I say about the honorifics? I thought my sister was supposed to be teaching you about respect,” Chan grumbled, slipping off his hairnet to swipe his ungloved hands through his hair. The worker’s name was Lena, a good friend of Hanna that’s been staying with them to avoid getting into trouble and her druggie parents. His sister and Lena were close, and Chan’s trying his best to be around there for her like she’s his sister too but it’s hard sometimes when Chan can barely be there for _Hanna_ anymore.

 

“Sorry, oppa…” Lena trailed off shyly.

 

“Go mix the ice cream,” Chan took her shoulder and nudged her into the back before glancing towards Hyunjin who was hovered over the counter watching them with fondness. Chan wasn’t quite sure why Hyunjin looked ready for a god damn photo shoot with his fancy clothes, hair and jewelry but The only thing Chan knew was that he was entirely intimidated by it, “what can I do for you, Hyunjin?” Chan rested his hands on the counter, tapping his fingers lightly and offering the younger a kind smile. Guilt twisted up Chan’s stomach when Hyunjin flushed deeply, rather sorry for the younger because Chan just… didn’t see him the way Hyunjin saw Chan.

 

“I was wondering when you got off work today…” Hyunjin questioned, rubbing at the back of his neck sheepishly and Chan quirked an eyebrow up in confusion. Though he ultimately dodged the question of why Hyunjin couldn’t just text him, it was as if Hyunjin read his mind and answered it anyway, “I wasn’t sure if you’d answer your phone and I was heading over to a photo shoot so I thought I could just stop in,” Hyunjin stammered over his words and Chan smiled fondly at it.

 

“Why are you still no nervous around me, Jinnie? I’m your hyung and producer. I’ve seen you burst into tears before,” Chan laughed, grabbing for the damp towel resting on the counter and wiping away a strawberry ice cream drip that had been bothering him for a few minutes. Hyunjin groaned loudly, rubbing his palm into his forehead.

 

“Don’t remind me,”

 

The two shared a fit of quiet, relaxed laughter and Chan was happy with just this. Just two friends who enjoyed each other’s company. Chan just hoped Hyunjin would learn to appreciate this too.

 

“Why are you here, Jinnie?” The younger sighed, swiping a hand through his hair and obviously trying to contain the bright smile threatening to spread across his lips.

 

“JYP said I was ready to debut,” It was quiet for a few seconds, Chan staring blankly at the door behind Hyunjin’s head to process what was being said to him. Though, once it began to dawn on him, he stepped back a few steps.

 

“Holy fuck,”

 

“He also said since we work so well together… you’re going to be apart of the team that’s exclusively for me,”

 

“Wait… does that mean more money,” Hyunjin’s laughter rang out and Chan’s lips couldn’t help but stretch into the widest of smiles.

 

“He didn’t say how much but that did mean more money-” Hyunjin cut himself off in shock when Chan rounded the counter and pulled him into the tightest of hugs. It took Hyunjin a moment to respond but once he realized, he didn’t hesitate to curl his arms around Chan’s neck and bury his face into his hair. “We made it, hyung,” Hyunjin rasped, voice wet and eyes glossing over and threatening to spill tears.

 

“No, Jinnie, _you_ made it,” Hyunjin pulled away at that, a frown on his lips.

 

“Hyung, you’re getting a raise! You might actually be able to get out of this shop and work full time and bring in proper money for you and your siblings! _You made it_ ,”

 

“I’m getting there. That’s all I’m giving you,” Chan wagged a finger in Hyunjin’s face before separating from him, “Now scram-” The two’s heads snapped to the door when the bell chimed and a new figure came through, Chan losing all color in his face when he identified the face and processed it. _Holy shit_. “Minho?” Everything paused around them for a moment, Chan staring Minho down with this sick feeling swirling around in his stomach when Minho looked absolutely terrified to see him.

 

“No, no, no,” Minho muttered under his breath but it was just loud enough for Chan to hear it before the younger swiveled around on his heels and darted out the ice cream shop door, duffle bag draped over his shoulder and pulling his hood up so he was harder to recognize. Chan stared after him for just a moment, ready to chase after him but realized he can’t just leave, he has to make _money_.

 

“Fuck!” Chan screeched, curling his fingers into his hair and tugging at his roots in frustration. He was so overwhelmed with feeling, unaware that Hyunjin was looking at him wearily but even if he was, Chan wouldn’t have cared. Not by a god damn mile.

 

Then, Chan got an idea, pulling his hands out from his hair and shakily digging in his pockets to pull out his phone and just barely managed to tap Woojin’s contact before putting the phone up to his ear. Chan’s heart was racing just as quickly as the thoughts in his brain.

 

_“Aren’t you at work?”_

 

“Wooj, he’s back. H-he came into the ice cream shop and once he realized that it was me, he left again and -”

 

_“Woah, woah, woah. Slow down. What happened,”_

 

“Minho is back, Woojin,” Chan’s voice was desperate and quiet, just over a whisper and Chan felt like he was about to burst into tears when Woojin took in a sharp breath, “He left when he realized it was me. He went in the direction of the diner…”

 

_“Holy shit,”_

 

“Woojin, find him. Find him and keep him busy until I manage to get off work. He’s out there, Woojin,” And then Chan hung up so Woojin couldn’t argue it. Minho needed to be found and Chan needed to get back to work. Chan glanced up with a shaky breath, seeing Hyunjin weighing himself back and forth on the balls of his feet, “You should go. I’ll call you when I’m on my way to the studio,” Chan advised with a low tone, but Hyunjin just laughed dejectedly before clearing his throat and shaking his head.

 

“Don’t worry about it, Hyung. I’ll see you later,” and then Hyunjin walked out, heading in the opposite direction of Minho looking like he was about to burst into tears and if Chan didn’t feel so light-headed, he would have felt bad. Chan had briefly mentioned Minho to Hyunjin enough for the younger to know that Chan and he used to be a thing and Chan guessed that it was still pretty obvious that Chan was head over heels in love with Minho. Hyunjin knew he had no chance now and guilt tugged at Chan’s heart.

 

“Chan…?” Chan didn’t even realize he was crying at this point, wiping at his eyes when Lena came up behind him and placed a comforting hand to his back. Chan desperately tried to contain himself but even when he turned back to Lena to speak with her, he still sniffled and a few tears were still slipping from his glossy eyes.

 

“I’m fine! It’s okay,” Chan tried to reassure with a smile but ultimately collapsed when she curled her arms around the elder and buried her head into his chest to provide some comfort. Chan held her almost desperately, appreciative of the fact that they were hardly on good terms and yet she still tried her best to make sure he was okay in the long run.

 

“Why are you still here, oppa?” Chan squeezed his eyes shut, “You should be going after him,”

 

“It’s complicated, Lena,” Chan croaked, sniffling lightly and smoothing out the wrinkles he created from clutching the back of her shirt collar so tightly.

 

“It’s not. He left, didn’t he? And now he’s back. Go find him before it’s too late,” Lena sasses, shoving him away a bit and Chan was left with a feeling of disbelief.

 

“Did Hanna tell you?”

 

“Him leaving affected her and Lucas too,” and that was all Chan needed. The elder sniffled sloppily and swiped a hand through his hair.

 

“Can I trust you to watch the shop?”

 

“I’ll get Hanna to come help. Now go,”

 

Chan felt like there was a whole new world waiting for him when the warm air brushed against his cheeks and stroked down his neck and through his hair, phone clutched tightly in his hand. The summers had been harsh and unforgiving just as the winters had been since Minho left, but now that he was presumably back, the summer heat softened and Chan was left with a gentle breeze as he raced through the streets in hopes of seeing him somewhere in the sidewalk but Chan feared he was too late.

 

Six years ago, Minho became a flower frozen in time, a figure that was still in the world but no longer active in life itself.

 

Six years ago, Minho left with nothing but letters in his wake.

 

Six years ago, time stopped for Chan, and now it was speeding up tenfold.

 

[[Moodboard](https://twitter.com/atumun15/status/1081248585566556161)]


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Chan..."
> 
> "What? You thought you could leave without me again? I can't let you leave like that again. Not ever, Minho."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO GET OUT AND I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY MISTAKES ITS KIND OF A MESS

 

** June 14, 2022 **

Labored breaths and burning legs were a very familiar feeling for the man with cat-like features but it had been a long time since such fear and intense feeling bloomed throughout his entire being at such an alarming rate. Minho shouldn't have been so careless as to show up somewhere that Chan could have possibly been linked to, but if the man were honest, why the fuck was Chan still working there in the first place? Did he own the damn shop or something now? Minho shuddered at the thought. Surely, Chan wouldn't root himself in a place they both agreed to hate with almost every fiber of their beings.

"Minho," Minho had just rounded a corner when there was a voice calling out in front of him, familiar, calm, and so fucking Kim Woojin it was insane. Minho's head stuttered in movement, flickering up to meet Woojin's eyes briefly but shifting his gaze back to the ground shyly hoping and praying that his hood would hide most of his face, "God, you never fail to give us all heart attacks on a daily basis do you?" Woojin didn't sound angry, not even frustrated, but instead, his tone was fond and gentle and very much like a dad and Minho couldn't stop himself from surging forward and wrapping the elder into a hug.

Minho told himself he would keep it together but as soon as Woojin's arms wrapped around his middle and the elder taller man buried his face in the side of Minho's head, the younger began sobbing, "I'm so sorry, hyung. I'm so, so sorry," Minho rasped into the air, tears gushing down his cheeks and Woojin shushed him while rubbing gentle circles into his back. "I'm sorry for leaving, but I..." Minho choked on his words.

"You needed to, I get it. Stop crying, Min. It's okay," Woojin laughed softly in his hair, pulling away briefly to wipe the tears away from Minho's cheek with the back of his hand but trusting Minho to get rid of the snot trails, "Let's go somewhere a bit cooler. Who the fuck wheres such dark and thick clothing in the middle of June, you idiotic man," Woojin scolded and guided Minho down the alleyway and toward the diner he knew Chan could get to easily. However, Minho began to mumble about how he couldn't go and that he had things to do but Woojin, ever the persuasive man he was, knew exactly what to say to get him to agree, "Come on, Min. I haven't seen you in six years and you're just going to bail like that?" Minho's eyes flickered down to the ground, glassy and looking rather distraught before shaking his head, "That's what I thought,"

When they made it to the diner, Minho had already begun to shut himself off from the elder and refused to look him in the eyes but Woojin remained patient and calm. "So what's been going on with you?" Minho questioned lowly, voice falling into a shy croak as he propped his leg up onto the booth but the familiar woman at the counter called out to him with a scowl.

"Lee Minho, take your dirty shoes off of my booths,"

"Sorry, Mrs. Yang!" the woman just huffed and went back to cleaning the glasses, but Minho could do nothing but grin fondly. "She hasn't aged a day," Minho grinned, happy his practical grandmother was still thriving.

"She's doing well. I think she's seeing a nice man right now," Woojin explained, taking a sip from the glass of water, "And as for me... Not much. I have a better paying job now, though," Woojin hummed, sounding rather content with his life but Minho quirked his eyes up in interest.

"Any romantic interests?"

"Nah. Had a few flings here and there but nothing serious," Woojin dismissed with an obviously very longing tone but tried his best to cover it up as to not possibly give Minho any ideas. However, that obviously failed when Minho wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and spared his elder friend a smirk that was still unbearably guarded.

"Oh? I have this friend... I think you two would get along quite nicely," Minho murmured, tapping his fingers against his cheek in thought, eyes tilted upward so he was staring at the ceiling a few feet down from him. Changbin would be quite the good match for Woojin, but Minho refrained from telling the elder anything more purely because he knew it wouldn't work out the way it normally would. Maybe if they didn't live the lives they did... perhaps it would be okay. "But I won't get into that," Minho shook his head with a soft smile. Woojin pouted at this.

"Come on now. Don't hold cute people back from me," Woojin complained with a sigh, leaning forward and resting his hands on the table while playing with his rings. "What's been going on with you, hm?" Woojin questioned when Minho just shook his head and leaned back in his seat at Woojin's complaint. Woojin was rather scared to ask the question because parts of Minho's face were not as soft as they had been and there was no doubt in Woojin's mind that Minho hardened over the time he was gone, but Woojin decided not to hold himself back. He needed to be there for Minho, even if the younger didn't want that.

"Nothing much... had a few odd jobs here and there but I'm currently working in a charity organization in Gurye though," Minho hummed, tapping his fingers anxiously against the table.

"Then why are you here?" Minho gulped, dodging the piercing gaze Woojin was sparing him and began muttering small prayers in his head for the gods above to get him out of this. Though, Minho wasn't sure if he wanted the question or the solution given to him. The bell to the restaurant's front door chimed as a gust of warm air flooded the room, and Minho froze when he could practically feel who was standing behind him just a few yards back. The youngest of the three slowly turned to look at who just came in and sucked in a harsh breath when he saw Chan standing there staring him down with this disbelieving glint in his eyes.

Within just a mere blink, Minho was up and out of his seat and already rushing down the main aisle to get to the back and escape but when Chan called out, "Lee Minho, stop running or so help me god," Minho found it hard to not stop in his tracks and just take whatever Chan threw his way. The restaurant was quiet now aside from Chan's quiet panting, everyone eating there watching the two in shock. Almost as if he was snapping out of his daze, Chan lunged forward, grabbed the back of Minho's hoodie and forced him to whirl around so they were face to face and Chan could capture his wrists in his own hands to keep Minho in place "You're really here..." Chan rasped, tears pooling in his eyes, one even managing to slip but Minho reached up with callused fingers but still a gentle touch to wipe it away.

"Yeah, Channie hyung," Minho croaked, not pulling away from Chan when the elder twined his arms around Minho's neck to pull him into a tight hug, burying his face into Chan's neck and holding him just as tightly at the waist. Minho loved the life he lived now, but he sure did miss the elder's warm, safe touches. "I'm here," Minho uttered once more as if he couldn't believe it himself either. Chan trembled lightly in his arms but pulled away nonetheless to cup Minho's cheeks and really take a good look at him.

"What happened to you, Min?" Chan questioned with a quiet voice as he ran his fingertips over the scars running through Minho's left eyebrow and the tiny one above his upper lip. Chan could only imagine what Minho's body must look like if his face was already kind of battered, "Shit, you're all grown up too,"

"You say that as if you're my dad, Channie Hyung," Minho laughed lowly, keeping his voice down but letting his eyes flutter shut for a few seconds to enjoy the warmth of Chan's hold but snapped them open again when he remembered they were in the middle of a restaurant Minho wasn't even supposed to be in.

"Yeah? What about it?"

"It would just be really unfortunate if you were my dad, don't you think?" Minho purred before slipping an arm around Chan's shoulders to guide them back to the booth Woojin was patiently sitting at.

"Shut up, Minho," Chan flushed, slipping into the booth across from Woojin as he gripped as Minho's sleeve to make sure the younger sat beside him. Minho wasn't exactly surprised that Chan was hesitant to quit touching him, placing the elder's hand on his knee as some sort of grounding mechanism for him. "Where have you been? Why did you leave? Do you realize what kind of panic you caused?" Chan fired question after question to the poor man sat beside him but Minho remained patient and listened to every single one of his questions in consideration.

"It's a long story..." Minho trailed off in hopes of getting out of it but Chan spared him dark eyes and an even darker expression. "But I suppose I can tell it if you have the time," Minho quickly continued, slightly fearful of the expression he was just given. Chan's face and eyes softened and when Minho saw how content he looked, Minho's shoulders relaxed slightly. Woojin hummed in confirmation, taking a sip of his water expectantly, "I told you that college wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to go out and see the world. Chan Hyung, you knew that," Chan tensed at the point, nodding his head slowly.

"I didn't think you would just... ditch town like that... ditch  _us_ like that," Chan whimpered, twiddling his thumbs solemnly. Chan wanted to feel just guilty for not seeing the signs, but Minho could have at least done a little more than just leave letters behind... There wasn't a point in being angry anymore. Minho was back, and now Chan would get to hear everything he's wanted to from the younger. "Where did you go? What did you even do?" Chan questioned, eyebrows furrowed and eyes firm but it was rather obvious that he wasn't angry. Just frustrated at the level of confusion he was at during the time.

"I traveled around Korea for a little while, maybe about a year or so? But then I went out of the country when I was contacted by an organization in Germany," None of this was really adding up in Chan's head. An organization? What organization? "I had been working alongside some charities here and just small business in hopes of earning money to stay alive, and I did, and apparently, I was so good that this religious charity in Germany wanted me to come and visit. So I did,"

"How can you just go to a country that speaks a language you don't know on a whim?"

"How can I do a lot of things?" Minho shot back with a guarded, protective tone toward Woojin, and if it hadn't been for Chan sitting next to him and rubbing his knee calmingly, Minho would have become more hostile the more he spoke, "It was hard at first, I'll admit that, but the people there were kind and it didn't take me a long time to pick up on the language. I'm not entirely fluent, I still struggle, but I can speak it well enough to get around," Minho huffed, watching Woojin cross his arms over his chest and sit back in the booth with the sharpest of eyes. Much sharper than they used to be and Chan couldn't help but wonder what the fuck had happened between the time Minho left and now.

  
"And how did you get these?" Chan ran his fingers gingerly across the scars running through Minho's eyebrow and the one just above his upper lip. Minho flinched away prompting the elder to frown in concern. "Min..." Chan trailed his hand down to cup the younger's cheek but Minho pulled away from his touch with a look in his eyes that made Chan feel sick to his stomach.

"Living on the streets isn't exactly peaceful all the time. It was a while ago, there's no need to worry anymore," Minho snapped, taking a sip from his water and dodging any and all eye contact, "I came in to collect some things from the charities here. I won't be in long," And then Chan's world was crashing all around him again and he completely removed himself from Minho's body, even scooting over toward the edge of the booth. "Chan hyung..." Minho trailed off with a sigh but Chan just shook his head.

"Don't go and see Felix... don't do that to him," Chan didn't care he didn't get every answer he wanted out of him. Chan didn't need anything after that anymore. It was obvious Minho found a new life for himself and that didn't include Chan anymore. He was okay with this, "It was good seeing you again, Minho," Chan admitted quietly, lifting himself out of the booth and leaving the diner, going back to work and going back to his life without Minho in it. At least he got enough closure to go about his day normally without thinking about he younger too much.

"Shit," Minho cursed to himself, swiping a hand through his hair out of pure exhaustion and ignoring the studious gaze of the elder across from him. That facade from earlier came crashing down again and it was obvious Minho was on the verge of tears despite the fact that his head was tilted down, hands tangled in his hair and wrists covering his face. Woojin could read Minho like a book,  _with ease_.

"Why do you do that?" Minho glanced up in question, the only characteristic of his face revealed being his eyes, "Why did you put up this tough facade for him when nothing's changed? You're still in love with him, that's pretty fucking obvious, so you can't tell me you're protecting yourself from falling again," Minho hated how well Woojin knew him, but it was scary that he could see how in love he was with Chan when he hadn't even come out, "What? You thought I didn't know? You two were good at hiding it but you were still obvious in a lot of cases. I just needed you to confirm it," Woojin laughed quietly, and Minho was left stuck in his own thoughts.

"You need to talk to him before you leave,"

"I don't think he wants to see me ever again," Minho huffed, turning back to the door as if he had some sort of hope that Chan would still be standing there, having an internal battle with himself if he should go back inside but there was no one standing there. The doorway was empty and Minho never felt more empty than that.

"Trust me on this one, Min. He definitely does. He's just protecting himself," Minho still seemed unsure, grabbing Woojin's hand resting on the table and playing with his fingers as if he were a child fascinated by their parent's much larger ones. Minho barely noticed when Woojin grabbed a napkin and a pen from his bag to write something down with some struggle. "If you decide you want to see him... he works at the music company a few blocks from here," Minho's eyes widened at that. Minho was happy Chan was finally doing what he loved but it seemed they both hated the idea of the other having a life without them in it. Though, this is the way soulmates worked. They just didn't know it.

No one did.

"Thanks, hyung..." Minho rasped, "But I should be going," Woojin's face fell, and if Minho wasn't already feeling so guilty at the time, he would have stayed just to never see that expression on Woojin again. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't apologize," Woojin shook his head, climbing out of the booth with Minho and towering over him with a small upward quirk of his lips, "Stay safe, Minho, or so help me god," Woojin hushed, gathering Minho into his arms and holding him tightly, as if he was savoring his touch but it made sense in the long run. To understand Woojin and Minho, their history must be understood first, and if they didn't have each other... it is very likely that they would either be dead or mentally detached from the world. They owed one another a lot. "I love you,"

"I love you too, brother,"

And then Minho was walking out of the diner, away from what used to make him feel worthy enough to live, and if Minho hesitated at the door for a moment, that was his own business. He knew Woojin was watching him, testing him, and Minho needed to be strong for him. With a whimper, Minho shoved himself out of the restaurant and into the suffocating heat of the world and if Minho wasn't so ungodly stubborn, he would have run back inside to throw himself back into the comfort and protection of the life he used to know.

But that wasn't his life anymore and Minho needed to accept that.

Now, he had to get his life on the road again and head to the warehouse on the other side of town by the beach before the sunset so he could get the rest of the supplies he had to bring back to the summit. Minho jogged down the street toward the parking garage nearby, showing the man in the glass booth his ticket on the way in and heading toward the rental bike toward the back of the garage. It didn't take Minho long to weave his way through traffic but the closer he got to the warehouse, the slower he went and the more anxiety driven he was.

Minho didn't know why going to the hotspots and picking up supplies still bothered him so deeply after so many years but there was something about it that gave him the chills. The truth of the matter was that despite how peaceful his people were up in the mountains, they still had to provide regurarly and this was the only way to go about it. Down on the surface and in the cities, the violence they flooded out of the mountain swarmed them and Minho had to face it reguarly. r

Perhaps that's why he was always the only one out of his people that could do this. Minho was the only one who could handle that sort of pain.

But nothing could ever prepare him for the pain that Chan brought him and Minho was left a jumbled, brainless mess as he approached the large doors to the even larger warehouse. "Ah! Minho! I was wondering when you were going to come in. You're a little late you know," A woman, the same woman Minho saw at every single warehouse all over the damn Earth and Minho wondered if she even had a home.

"Something came up," Minho muttered quietly, just barely heard and slightly aggressive but Yerin paid him no mind. She was far too used to this and probably didn't know anything else aside from this Minho. "Where are the supplies?" Minho questioned, hands clasped behind his back as he followed the woman through the warehouse and eyeing all the men packing weapons and drugs into large wooden boxes with ease all around him. The woman hummed melodically before turning back to him, crossing her thin arms over her chest.

"Since when were you this impatient?" Minho's eyes nearly rolled into the back of his head at her tone, already begging the gods above internally to let this speed the fuck up so he could finally leave.

"I have a lot on my mind and I'd like to already head off to the next supply drop," Minho grumbled, peering down at her with an empty, bored gleam in his eyes and Yerin began to curse to herself under her breath about how rude Minho was and that he never appreciated her like he should. "Let's get this show on the road, noona," that seemed to brighten her mood just a small bit knowing that he saw her as a noona instead of some sort of superior and the woman walked with a new found pep in her step.

"They're toward the back. I had some other people stop by this morning and I didn't want them to see the extra stash set aside," Fair enough. They walked through plastic film and behind a half wall where a bunch of boxes was stacked, "The boys are already placing your motorcycle on the truck and should be here any minute to help you get the rest of the boxes there so you can head off to the east coast drop point and get on the boat," As if on cue, two, very buff men that Minho probably stared at for a little too long despite knowing them pretty well came through and Minho smirked lightly to himself.

"Hey, guys," Minho greeted, tone just above empty and eyes mischevious but it was obvious that even if it was a small change, the two buff men were affected by it. "Need help?"

"Don't worry your pretty little head over it, Min. We got this," Wonho grinned from ear to ear and Minho couldn't help but watch their muscles bulge just a bit.

"Let me walk you out at least,"

"Minho, stop thirsting over my boys," Yerin scolded but Minho paid her no mind. Especially when the two buff men flinched at it.

"Aw, but they're just so handsome, noona," Minho whined loudly, now acting more like a small child than anything but Yerin crossed her arms over her chest like some sort of older sister that Minho most probably definitely needed.

"I thought you swore yourself off to devotion so you could be the head or whatever?" Yerin was a businesswoman, not actually apart of the temple so of course she didn't know or care about the logistics of their community.

"Doesn't mean I can't have a little bit of fun," Minho purred, twining his arms around Hyunwoo's biceps as they all trailed off out back where the rusty, red truck was waiting. "I'm kidding," Minho snickered, shoving himself away from the men when they peered down at him in interest. If the events from earlier that day hadn't occured, then Minho would have definitely not been kidding but his mind was too foggy to possibly think of anything aside from alcohol that could clear it.

"You better," Yerin threatened, jutting her hip out and crossing her arms over her chest as she watched the three men stack everything in the back of the trust and tie it down so it didn't go flying out when he hit the highway. "You know, Minho..." They were all standing around now, the sun setting in the distance and creating beautiful orange and yellow hues all around the sky, soft hues that vividly reminded Minho of Chan and his stomach twisted as if a knife was in it. "The boat doesn't leave for Hong Kong for another 5 days... You should stay the night, leave later tomorrow. This is your hometown is it not?" Minho froze at that.

"How-"

"Minho, I know everything about my clients," That shut Minho right up, the poor man practically gobsmacked at the idea of this woman knowing everything about him. It didn't help when she approached him and clasped his tense biceps with her thin, well-manicured hands, "Go talk to him, Minho. You're not going to get another chance and you know it," Minho didn't look her in the eye after that.

"See you in five days, noona," And then Minho was climbing into the truck with the keys in hand, turning it on and getting the hell out of there before he burst into tears all over again. Minho didn't know where he was going or what he was going to do tonight, he just knew he needed to find an empty field and park in it just to cry for a while. Minho may have changed over the course of the last few years but that didn't mean he was anymore emotionally stable than he was a few years back. In fact, he thinks he might be a little less stable than before.

However, when Minho found a field to watch the sunset, he couldn't bring himself to force the tears. They just... wouldn't come out, and Minho knew that this was his punishment. Minho knew that the only reason he wasn't getting the release he needed was that Chan and Woojin didn't get the ones they needed either. "I'm so sorry," Minho whispered up to the heavens, eyes squeezed shut and head leaned against the headrest as dark, ugly clouds began to roll up above him. "Please forgive me. I know I've done wrong, I know and I accept it," Thunder rolled aggressively above his head, "Forgive me. I'll do better," Minho breathed out, the thunder rolling softly and then the gray clouds moving with speed off into the distance where they would wreak havoc on someone else's poor soul.

Minho was always good at getting out of rather nasty situations.

"I'll do better," Minho promised quietly, putting his car into gear and pulling out of the field and toward the city. Minho hadn't planned on what came next, he had planned on going to all his old spots, renting a motel room, and then leaving at dawn the next morning and avoid being seen by anyone else that might have known him. However, when Minho saw the music production company approaching him with the same label Woojin had written on the napkin earlier that day, Minho knew he was done for. He hadn't even registered what he was doing until he pulled into the parking lot, parked the trust, hopped out and walked right through the front doors as if he owned the place and saw the receptionist staring at him with wide alarmed eyes. "Fuck," Minho cursed under his breath.

"Can I help you, sir...?" It was a boy, not much younger than Minho most likely but Minho didn't think about it too hard. Instead, he thought about why the hell he was standing in the lobby of the studio his first (and perhaps current but Minho would never admit that to himself just yet) love worked at and what the hell he was supposed to do from here. "Sir, if you don't have business here I am afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave," The boy was more stern this time, holding his ground a lot better than he had done before and Minho let out a shaky breath.

"Does uh... does a Bang Chan work here?" The boy's eyebrows furrowed at that, lips tugged into a pout as he looked down at the list in front of him.

"Who are you to him?" Minho wasn't expecting a question like that but internally slapped himself for it all the same, "Security precautions you know?" It was rather obvious the boy was unsettled by Minho's silence and very sketchy behavior and if Minho's head and intentions hadn't been so foggy at the time, he would have just apologized and left. He  _should_ just apologize and leave.

"I'm a friend,"

"A friend..." There was no way Minho could get in on his own anymore and it would take a miracle for this to pull off.

"Please, I just really need to see him," Minho begged, stepping forward and clutching the front desk counter pleadingly and the boy flinched away in slight fright.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave,"

"You have to let me see him!" Minho wailed, begging for that miracle internally over, and over, and over again.

And his miracle came in the form of a person, "What's going on?"

Minho whirled around at the sound of a soft deep voice that was unfamiliar to him but still wrapped around him like a warm blanket. "This man wants to go see Chan but I have no idea who he is and I can't just let him in!" The boy sounded distressed more than anything, not angry by any means and that alone was relieving to Minho. The miracle man walked toward Minho, standing beside the elder but still peering up at him in question. Minho began to wonder if this man in front of him was some sort of idol considering the blue hair, fancy earrings, and clothes that covered him up pretty well.

"What is your name?"

"Minho,"

Minho didn't know why, he was scared to know really, but that seemed to be enough for the newcomer to remove his mask and grin, "I'm Jisung. Come with me," Jisung took Minho by the wrist and guided him over to the elevator, waving toward the receptionist, "Thanks, Jeongin!" Minho's lips curled up when he saw the boy look even  _more_ distressed at that. When the elevator doors shut and they began to move up, Jisung turned toward him with interested eyes, "So you're the famous Lee Minho, huh?" Minho froze at that, but ultimatly flickered his guilt-ridden eyes downward. "What? You think Chan Hyung hasn't written ten billion songs about you alone? Trust me, I'm almost tired of hearing that name come out of his mouth," Jisung scoffed, running a hand through his blue hair.

"Has he really?" No one could miss that little smile tugging at his lips.

"Yeah," Jisung's voice was much softer now, "You meant a lot to him. You still do," Poor Minho didn't quite know what to do with himself after hearing that. His heart was racing wildly and it felt like the elevator was going slower now. "Don't hurt him. Please. I don't think he can do that again," Minho's bottom lip was latched between his teeth, the same way that always had Chan tugging it out and whispering lowly for him to stop and that'll hurt him. Minho instantly bit down harder when he felt his chest get heavier at the thought. What had he given up? Minho would never truly understand but it wasn't something light.

It was quiet between them from then on. The elevator came to a halt and the doors opened so Minho could escape the suffocating quiet of the confined space and Minho followed Jisung out into and down the hallway. "Wait," Minho called out before he could think when he saw Jisung slow and stop at a studio door. Jisung turned back toward Minho with a frown, cooing a bit internally when Minho shyly played with the edges of his sleeves, "Is this a good idea? I feel like I should just leave and-" Minho was cut off by his own yelp, Jisung lunging forward to grab him roughly down the shoulder and practically throw him down the hall and into the studio door.

"Hello?" Chan's startled, confused voice echoed out through the still closed door and Minho's eyes screwed shut, "Come in," Chan called out again, but it took Jisung reaching around Minho to open the door and shove Minho inside for the silence to finally hit all of them.

Inside the studio was Chan, in the same clothes he was in earlier but a little neater and put together despite the obvious red tint to his swollen eyes, and the boy he saw with Chan in the ice cream shop, staring at Minho in a little bit of horror, "Channie Hyung, look who came to visit you," Jisung called out, shoving Minho in a bit more so he could walk around him and plop down on the couch beside Hyunjin, keeping a respective distance away but his eyes still trained on the elder idol.

"Minho..." Chan trailed off, both carefully and out of disbelief. Minho had no idea what was going on in Chan's head but he knew it wasn't good. "Why are you here?" Chan questioned, leaning back in his chair with a deep sigh, "How did you even know I worked here?"

"Woojin hyung told me," Minho breathed out, shrinking in on himself when he saw Hyunjin's beady little eyes boring into him. The kid looked nice, but Minho had a feeling that he would end up being a little too protective over Chan and if Minho wasn't so overwhelmed, he would have claimed Chan right then and there to let Hyunjin know he had no chance. "Can we talk?"

"I tried to talk to you earlier. Go home," Chan replied emptily, whirling around to face the recording booth. "Get in there, Hyungjin," Minho deflated in sorrow.

"Please Channie Hyung..." It was silent after that, Minho's voice crack being enough to have Chan melting and giving in. His shoulders relaxed when Minho slipped a hand onto them, whirling Chan around so they could look at one another. Chan gulped as he peered up at Minho.

"Fine," Chan snapped, standing up abruptly and grabbing for Minho's wrist tightly to drag him out of the room and down into the dance studio a few doors down on the other side of the hall. Once Chan was sure no one saw them and there was no one in the dance studio, he shoved Minho in, closed and locked the door. "You have some nerve coming back to me today after earlier!" Chan growled, crossing his arms over his chest and practically trembling with anger and frustration.

Minho may have been cute, and Chan may still be in love with him, but  _god_  was Chan angry. "I  _know_ , love, I know-"

"You don't get to call me that anymore," Chan hissed, watching Minho's face fall as guilt swarmed in his heart. "...Not if you're just going to leave again," Chan continued, crossing his arms over his chest shyly, as if he were protecting himself and looking anywhere besides Minho. That was a mistake though because Minho took a step forward, and then another, and then another before he was in front of Chan and taking his hands into his own, smaller ones gently. Chan took in a deep breath and turned his head away when Minho leaned in, and Minho deflated a bit when his forehead nudged Chan's temple.

"I want to be with you. That's never changed," Minho rasped, grazing his lips around the upper half of the side of Chan's face and hair. Chan's eyes wavered, flickering over to their reflection in the mirror and gulped when he could practically see Minho's muscles through his clothes. Minho's hands slid out of Chan's hands, then up his arms until they reached his neck and jaw, cupping underneath his ears and forcing the elder to look at him. "Let me treat you tonight, hm?" Chan didn't know how he was supposed to say no, especially when Minho was looking at him like that.

Even worse, Minho decided he needed to seal the deal and nudged their heads forward so their lips grazed into a very small, but lingering peck that had Chan's head  _spinning_. "You're evil," Chan muttered, eyes fluttering open and lips pulling into a tiny frown. Minho just laughed quietly.

"Is that a yes?"

"Kiss me again," Chan smirked, head leaning back so he could fully look at Minho's face.

"Greedy," Minho teased before kissing Chan again, a little deeper and a little longer. Chan's fingers reached up and curled around the back of Minho's head, pulling him in for a little more when Minho attempted to pull away.

"If I was greedy-" Chan breathed between kisses, noses pushing together uncomfortably, "I'd be asking for so much more," As if he were proving his point, Chan shoved his hands down and up Minho's shirt, tracing the younger's firm abdomen before pinching his hips, causing Minho to yelp and jump away. Chan broke out into breathy laughter, backing up against the wall so he could gather some of his breath back. Minho just studied him for a moment, holding his arms with the tiniest of grins because  _god_  he missed Chan. "Stop staring at me," Chan murmured.

"Why should I?"

"Because maybe I'll rethink about leaving with you in the next two minutes," Chan smirked, turning and walking out through the door and not catching Minho's relieved, brightened expression. Minho was quick to follow after him, giggling to himself. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

"So where are we going first?" Chan questioned as they walked toward Minho's truck, eyeing the motorcycle and boxes in the back wearily. Minho hummed in thought.

"I don't know... You decide," Chan stopped in his tracks, a blank look in his eyes and jutting one hip out as he crossed his arms over his chest. Chan had been everywhere in this town in the last month yet Minho hadn't been here in years and he was telling  _Chan_ to pick the place  _he_ wanted to go...

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. You haven't been here in years but you want me to decide?" Chan grumbled, earning a quiet, embarrassed laugh from the younger as Minho rubbed at the back of his neck shyly. "Where do you want to go, Minho," Chan shoved him by the chest a little, not hard but enough to jostle Minho a bit.

"Let's pick up some ramyeon at that old place we liked to go to and back down to the beach," Minho suggested and Chan grinned from ear to ear. That sounded really, really nice to him (even if the beach was kind of a mark for Minho's disappearance.)

"Sounds perfect,"

The truck hummed loudly, the wind was rushing a little too hard, the night sky was black, and the once-hot ramyeon that burned Chan's thighs was starting to lose its much-needed warmth but Chan couldn't bring himself to complain. Not when Minho was singing beautifully along with the music blaring from the radio. "Is this that mixtape I made for you?" It sounded like a dumb question to both of them but for opposite reasons. To Chan, there was no way Minho would keep it after all these years, but to Minho, how could he not keep it? It may have been small but it was one of the only things he had of Chan.

"Of course," Minho patted his thigh for a moment before moving to turn down the music when he thought Chan was going to talk more but Chan only ended up batting his hand away and turning it back up, even going a bit louder than earlier. All Minho could do was laugh when Chan began to perform dramatically along to the song, pulling some rather interesting facial expressions as he rapped a few octaves lower that faintly reminded Minho of Felix's voice and -

Fuck.  _Felix_.

Minho's wide grin faded into a weak, closed mouth smile as his eyes drifted back to the road. His chest felt heavy with guilt and his eyes burned but Minho kept his breathing level and calm. However, no matter how hard he tried to hide it, Chan noticed and didn't hesitate to ask him about it when they reached the beach and settled underneath the lights from a nearby restaurant on the sands. "What's wrong, Min?" Chan questioned through a mouthful of Rrmyeon, eyeing the younger playing with his food wearily.

Minho stayed quiet for a moment, taking a bite of his ramyeon and staring out into the dark ocean ahead of them. "I miss Felix," It wasn't small, and it wasn't emotional; in fact, it was a rather empty toned confession but when Minho actually glanced at Chan, the elder caught his eyes and read them undeniably easy.

"He misses you too. I don't think he's ever taken out that damn cross earring you gave him for his birthday since you left," Chan chuckled lowly, "Your room is still untouched too... They just won't let anyone go in," Minho didn't know how he felt about that. These habits were so similar to what people do when a relative dies, but Minho didn't want to be dead. Not to them. Not to his  _family_. "I know what I said earlier but... If you want to go see them, then do it. Don't listen to me," Minho shifted his gaze back to the ocean with a sigh, a very heavy one that had Chan putting his ramyeon down and curling his arms around Minho's arm to place his chin on his shoulder.

"You were right, though. I can't do that to him," _Not if I'm leaving again._  Minho didn't say the last part in fear of Chan distancing himself again. Though Chan knew what he meant and he only ended up mouthing a few kisses to Minho's cheeks and jaw. Minho hummed in appreciation, leaning into the kisses but Chan pulled away with a sigh, eyes flickering up to the upper half of Minho's face.

"Go see him, please," The two shared a look, Minho studying Chan's pout and deciding the only proper way to get it to go away was to kiss it away softly.

"I'll think about it, hyung," Minho uttered after the soft peck, "Now eat your food. It was expensive," Minho grumbled as if he were a parent and then it was quiet after that aside from the ocean waves crashing against the shore and the soft music playing from the restaurant down the beach. Chan still had so many questions, so many things he needed to know but he found that his tongue was as dry as the sand he was sitting on.

Minho let out a few coughs when he finished, getting up to throw his and Chan's ramyeon boxes away but came back to Chan laying down in the sand, an arm underneath his head and Minho didn't hesitate to surge forward, fall to the ground himself, and tuck himself against Chan's side to place his head on the elder's chest. "Jesus Christ," Chan coughed at the man's eagerness as Minho's head hit his chest pretty hard but Minho only giggled cutely and burying his nose into the skin covering Chan's heart. "We should probably go soon," Chan hushed quietly, curling his fingers into Minho's hair soothingly and staring up at the stars and clouds above.

"But this is peaceful,"

"Peace never lasts. You know that," Chan hummed casually, almost too casually for Minho, but the younger didn't respond. He simply cuddled a bit further into Chan's body and stroked along his stomach. "Come on," Chan grunted, lifting his body up after half an hour passed and Minho let out a groan and shoved him back down to the ground, shifting his body so he was straddling the younger but Chan froze. "Minho... not here," Chan's voice cracked from vulnerability and then Minho understood. Sure, the kisses from earlier might have been a bit much but they could hide that. It's hard to hide a position like this though.

"Right. Sorry," Minho quickly hopped off, getting back onto his feet and helping Chan up so they were on equal footing. "Let's get going," and then the truck was roaring back to life once they cleaned their feet and put their shoes back on. This time, Chan couldn't help but fall asleep to the atmosphere around them. "I don't deserve you..." Minho hushed quietly, Chan too far gone to hear much to Minho's relief and Minho squeezed his hand lightly before bringing it up to his lips, "but god am I grateful for you,"

However, as peaceful as the moment was... Minho had to wake Chan up.

"Hey, hyung, wake up a moment. Where do you live so I can take you home?"

Chan awoke with a deep breath, stretching his body out so his nerves filled with a sense of pleasure before he melted back into the car seat. Soon, his eyes blinked open and he straightened himself up a bit. "Shit," Chan cursed when he looked around and saw the time. 1:24 am. "Um... Take a left here," Chan's knuckles knocked against the window and Minho followed that direction along with all the others until they reached an apartment complex that was actually pretty nice in location. At least Minho didn't have to worry about Chan being unsafe.

When Minho pulled into the parking lot, they stayed quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say but it was the younger who said his farewells first to lessen the pain. "Goodnight, hyung... It was nice seeing you again," but Chan didn't climb out. He couldn't. Not again. He couldn't watch Minho escape into the night again.

"Please stay," Chan croaked, the sudden urge to cry overtaking him as his shoulders shook and lips trembled. Minho couldn't see Chan's face as he hung his head and looked away but he held a merciless grip over Minho's hand. "Please don't go out again. It's dark and dangerous and-" Chan hiccuped, trying his best to cover up his original meaning but Minho knew what he was really asking of him. However, Minho still acted as if he had no idea and stroked his thumb along Chan's knuckle with one hand and reached up to place the other on his cheek and guide Chan's head over to his shoulder.

"I'll stay the night. How does that sound, hyung?" Chan would do anything to not see Minho leave in the middle of the night again. So, yeah. He was okay with this. Chan nodded his head vigorously and began to wipe his tears away harshly but was stopped abruptly by Minho reaching over and cupping Chan's face so he could lean in and kiss them away until there was nothing but a few stains. "You're so sensitive, Hyung," Minho teased with a rather hollow tone, but the younger paid it no mind as he sniffled once before shoving Minho away.

"Shut up," and fiddled with the door handle before it opened and Chan could successfully stumble out as if he were drunk. Minho, however, was much more awake and lighter on his feet so rushed over to throw an arm around his shoulders to keep Chan stable as he stumbled down into one of the apartments partially underground. "It may look a bit bad, but... it suits us," Chan hummed, stuffing his key into the door and unfortunately failing while simultaneously gathering the attention of the other two Bangs already in the house. "Shit!"

Before Minho could reach down and take the keys from the ground and open the door for Chan, it suddenly opened and Minho was left gaping when he saw a much older Hanna standing in the doorway holding a baseball bat at the ready. Chan let out a yelp when he stood back up and saw her, jumping back into Minho's chest and nearly sending them both tumbling to the ground. "Chan hyung! You scared me!" Hanna huffed, putting the bat down and straightening her hair so she could actually look at her brother, but ended up freezing when she met Minho's eyes.

"Minho!" Lucas was quicker though, coming out from behind her and throwing his arms around Minho's torso and hugging him tightly. Minho let out a low laugh and hugged the boy back, almost just as tightly but deciding last minute to ruffle his hair a bit.

"Hey, kid," when they pulled away from each other, Lucas looked like he was on the verge of tears and Minho began to panic slightly. However, Hanna had it covered and tugged Lucas into her side and began to hush him.

"So... you're really back... I thought Lena was just kidding or got the name wrong when she told me earlier," Hanna's gaze flickered between the two, almost as if she were doubting the entire situation and Minho knew she could see right through him. "How long are you staying?"

"Hanna..." Chan trailed off carefully but Minho cut in before he could begin scolding her.

"I'm not sure," Minho hummed softly and Hanna just huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and sparing him one final look before turning back around to storm back into the house. Chan grabbed Minho's wrist gently and lead him into the apartment without another word.

"Don't be loud, okay? We have school in the morning," Hanna demanded before escaping back into her room where Lena was probably curled up and Lucas wasn't too far behind despite being rather hesitant to leave. Lucas didn't want to go purely because he wanted to stay with Minho. However, the elder sensed this and ruffled his hair fondly before shooing him out into his room as well.

"Do you want anything?" Chan slurred a bit, blinking up at Minho slowly before they flickered over the kitchen. "I think we have a few bottles of Soju, and we have water too," Despite the fact that Minho took Chan by the shoulder and lead him down the hallway and into what looked like Chan's room, Chan just kept talking. "We should have some food too. I went to the store Monday but we don't pig out like we used to," Chan was sitting down on the bed down, Minho kneeled down on the ground to peel Chan's shoes and socks off before lifting himself up. Chan still babbled mindlessly.

"When was the last time you slept properly, hyung?" Minho hushed, reaching a hand up to caress along Chan's pale cheek and looking into his very sleepy, and rather empty eyes. Chan frowned in thought, peering down at Minho in confusion.

"You know I don't sleep well, Minho. Nothing's changed," Chan pouted cutely.

"A lot has changed,"

"Like what?" Chan seemed more distressed now, falling into this toddler-like attitude from the sleep deprivation but Minho found it oddly adorable and so Chan.

"Well... you've definitely gotten uglier," Minho laughed teasingly but he didn't really mean it. Chan spiked in looks while Minho was away and actually looking at him made Minho's head  _spin_. Chan groaned and slapped Minho in the bicep, shifting his body so he lied on the mattress with his back turned away from the younger.

"Rude people don't get attention," Chan snapped when Minho tapped at his shoulder a bit to grab his attention and even went as far as pulling the blanket up so it was covering his head.

"You need to change into more comfortable clothes," Minho chimed but Chan just thrashed like an angry child prompting Minho to tut and lift himself up from the bed. "Fine then. I'm going to sleep on the couch, hyung. Goodnight," Chan could faintly feel Minho's figure hovering over him before a pressurized kiss pressed into his head and Chan's cheeks turned hot at the contact but he didn't give in. He didn't even give in and look when he heard Minho digging through his drawers to find more comfortable clothes and leave the room. Chan could not be weak.

However, after half an hour of Chan not falling asleep, the man gave up because he didn't want to sit through another painful night of little to no sleep. He couldn't do that to himself again. So, with a grumble and unstable footsteps, Chan stumbled into the living room where Minho was sprawled out on the couch, the blanket barely covering him and more or so wrapped around him like a vine than anything. Chan tugged at it a bit so it dropped from Minho's tummy so he could at least be more comfortable when he lowered himself down onto the younger's chest. Minho came back to reality with a huff, arms coming up to slither around Chan's torso and pull him close. "I was wondering when you'd give in," Minho giggled sleepily, basking in the feeling of Chan tracing small circles into the younger's collar bones.

"Couldn't sleep," Chan grumbled, sinking a little lower into Minho's body and the elder rolled them other so Chan was placed between him and the back of the couch. Safe, secure, and warm. "And you always helped me sleep when we were younger, so let's hope that's still the case," Chan joked quietly, no laugh ringing out but Minho still breathed a little in amusement, eyes glittering with it all the same. Chan didn't have to see it to know that. The elder practically had it engraved in his head at this point. "No pressure."

"Mhm, I'm sure," Minho hummed, stroking small circles into Chan's back.

"Where are you going after this? Are you going to be in Korea for a little while or are you heading back to Germany?" Minho would never admit this to himself as he didn't like to look back on his past mistakes, but this was the turning point. This moment right there is what truly started the chain of events they'd go through later because he was dumb enough to tell Chan where he was going.

"I have to be in Pohang in a few days for a shipment and then I'm on a boat to Hong Kong so I can get back to Germany. It'll be long but... I'll get to rest for at least a week before I have to get back to work," Minho rasped, tracing the tips of his middle finger absentmindedly across Chan's upper back. Chan's mind raced in disbelief that Minho actually told him but he didn't say anything. He didn't want to possibly ruin the peaceful atmosphere around them. "Hyung,"

"Yeah, Min?"  
  
"Can I have a kiss?"

"You can have as many kisses as you want,"

They fell asleep not long after that, exchanging a few sleepy kisses and it was practical heaven to them, especially when Chan managed to convince Minho to come back to his bed to be more comfortable and their bodies were grateful for the soft mattress. "Goodnight, hyung," Minho rasped into Chan's chest, feathering a kiss to his collarbone and Chan nodded sleepily.

"Goodnight, Minho,"

But as quickly as the moment was there, it was gone as well.

Minho woke up a little after sunrise, not many hours of sleep under his belt but enough to get him to a hotel later that afternoon and crash for the night, and Chan was curled around one of his pillows and hand resting on Minho's stomach. The younger grinned sleepily as Chan's unattractive, sleep induced state as he was definitely drooling and his hair was an absolute mess but Minho still leaned over to press a kiss to his cheek anyway. Chan squirmed at it, even grunting a bit but never actually woke up to Minho's relief.

Minho was a coward, and he couldn't see Chan's face when he left again. He couldn't do it, just like he couldn't do it the first time either.

With careful movements, Minho slipped straight out of bed and let his feet hit the cold, hardwood floor of Chan's apartment building, looking around the room in interest. He didn't get to study it last night but the room was very...  _lived in._  If Minho hadn't been on such a time crunch, he probably would have picked up the mess Chan lived in. However, he  _was on a time crunch,_  and he needed to get moving before Chan decided to stir awake and start asking questions.

Unfortunately, Minho wouldn't get out of this completely free, as once his shoes were on and he was one step out the door, a soft voice called out to him, a complete contrast from the one he received last night, "You're leaving already?" Hanna rubbed at her eyes with a small pout on her lips and hair equivalent to a lion's mane on the top of her head, and Minho found himself cooing at the sight of her. Despite how old she was, she still felt young to Minho. "I knew you'd go soon, but not this soon..." Hanna seemed upset, but it was more in her eyes than her tone.

"I'm sorry... I have to get back home," Minho hushed, rubbing at the back of his neck. He half expected for Hanna to run off and go wake up Chan but she didn't. They stood there in the entryway of the apartment having a stare off before Hanna lunged forward and wrapped Minho up in a firm hug.

"Stay safe, Minho," Hanna whispered, cheek squished against his shoulder and Minho ruffled her hair fondly.

"You too, kid. Stop growing up so fast, hm?" Minho teased, cupping the back of her head to bring her forward so Minho could press a brotherly, protective kiss to her forehead, "Bye, Nana."

"Bye, Minnie," And then Minho was walking out the door with Hanna locking the door behind him and the keys in Minho's hands weighed heavy with a burden. However, it wasn't nearly as heavy as the guilt on his very shoulders that only kept piling up and up as time passed. His movements were quick but it felt like Minho moved in slow motion as he climbed into his truck and started the engine. With trembling hands, Minho pulled out of the parking lot and onto the highway, tears threatening to escape and his tongue felt thick and dry in his mouth. He couldn't believe he was doing this again. He couldn't believe he let the stupidity shine through and talk to Chan, much less  _stay the night with him._

However, Minho didn't even get to the entrance of the apartment building before he saw his little baby cousin walking along the sidewalk, headphones in his ears and bag draped over his shoulders. It looked as if he was still as bright and chirpy as Felix had been for his whole life. Felix didn't see him at first, and Minho thought he might get away with it but then Felix looked up and Minho felt his breath stop in his throat. It seemed to take Felix a second to register who he was looking at but once he did, and then glanced at Chan's apartment building behind him, all the color left his face and Minho saw nothing but pure  _anger_ in his eyes. "You-" Minho didn't let him finish, driving off in a fit and nearly getting into a wreck because of his cowardness but Minho saw nothing but the highway and Felix's face in the back of his head.

Minho fucked up.

Chan woke up to hard, angry beats against his door two hours after Minho left, and the poor elder had no idea. When he came back to the real world, it was in a daze and he hadn't been paying attention to what was going on around him. Chan's only priority in his sleep ridden daze was to address the sudden aggression his apartment was facing. "Shit, yeah! I'm coming!" Chan called out in a daze, swinging the door open as he rubbed at his eyes sleepily, and the last thing he expected was to come to face to face with a fuming Lee Felix.

"Minho was here and you didn't fucking tell me?" That woke Chan right up. His eyes snapped open and he took a proper look at basically his little brother and froze.  _Shit_. "My cousin, who has been gone for six years, showed up, came to your house, probably stayed the fucking night too, and you didn't have the heart to tell me?!" Felix became angrier and angrier by the minute, but Chan knew that the quicker Felix became angry, the quicker he'll calm down too.

"Felix, it just happened so quickly-"

"That's not a fucking excuse!" Felix blew up in his face, and maybe Chan was wrong this time. Maybe Felix would stay angry. "My cousin just saw me and drove away like a coward! He's gone! And you fucking let him leave!" Felix was on the verge of hysteria now and he probably would have kept yelling if it hadn't been for the fact that Lucas and Hanna had now made themselves known. "He's gone," Chan reached a hand out in an effort to comfort him, but Felix pulled away from his touch with a stone cold glare.

"Go after him, and bring him home. If you can't do that, then don't ever speak to me again," And chan knew he had to take it seriously this time. There was no way he could just let Minho leave again this time. Felix was right. This was his fault and Chan had to go after him. Luckily, this time he had a lead, and it didn't escape his mind even after his ears finally stopped ringing after Felix slammed the front door and Chan called his boss to let him know he was taking a small vacation but didn't know when he'd be back.

It was as if luck was truly on his side that day because when Chan pulled into a town to get gas when the sun was beginning to set, he saw Minho's truck in the parking lot of a coffee place and Chan thanked the heavens for finally giving him a chance to prove himself.

"Chan..."

"What? You thought you could leave without me again? I can't let you leave like that again. Not ever, Minho." 

 

[[MOODBOARD](https://twitter.com/atumun15/status/1093875464765091840?s=20)]


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